


it's not fair

by efrondeur



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Love Confessions, M/M, Mutual Pining, Pining, Trust Issues, references to past abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-15
Updated: 2016-12-15
Packaged: 2018-09-08 16:00:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,018
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8851195
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/efrondeur/pseuds/efrondeur
Summary: Keith falls for Lance, but his brain won't let him do shit about it.





	

**Author's Note:**

> So just a warning, there are multiple references to past abuse and an anxiety attack at the end. Please keep yourself safe.
> 
> I've been going through a lot lately, and writing this was mostly to help me clear my head.
> 
> Also, I kind of sloppily edited this, so I'm sorry for any errors.
> 
> Based on the song [Trust Issues by Olivia O'Brien](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KnDjFa_UaZk)

“Love is patient.”

“Love is understanding.”

“Love is joyful.”

“Love is trust.”

“Love is kind.”

“Love is everything.”

That’s what people like to tell you. That love never hurts. That love never fades. That love is only ever a positive, and can never be bad.

But they’re wrong. They’re so fucking wrong.

You see, Keith has fallen in love before. He’s fallen for guys that treated him like a prince. For guys that treated him like nothing more that dirt. For guys that came home and give him kisses. For guys that would come home and scream. For guys that gave him the world. For guys that made him feel worthless.

That’s the funny thing though. You receive a compliment, and yeah, it may make your day, but it never sticks for long after that. But when someone calls you ugly or says your laugh is annoying or straight up treats you like shit, it… _stays_.

You stay up at night realizing every way that they were right, even though they weren’t.

You lose all sense of confidence, no matter how enjoyable you are.

You feel like you can’t even laugh because what if everyone finds your happiness annoying?

It’s debilitating and _it stays._

So you can imagine that when Keith realizes he was falling for Lance, he pulls back, and he pulls back _hard_.

And it’s not easy. They’ve been friends ever since they started college and Hunk introduced them. Yeah, it was rocky at the start, but they were friends nonetheless. But that can’t happen anymore.

So when Lance calls him? _Hey this is Keith, leave a message after the tone, and I’ll get back to you_.

Texts? One word answer.

Shows up when the group goes out? Cold shoulder.

And, it’s not like Keith actively wants to treat Lance like shit. No, it’s not that at all. He just cannot fucking deal with falling in love again. He’s done it about 30 times too many. Please feel free to count him out.

Then, to add more shit into the shitstorm that is his life, he can see the way it eats at Lance.

It’s not even the fact that Lance barely calls him anymore. Or texts. Or even tries to start a conversation.

It’s his tone of voice when he talks. Or the slump in his shoulders whenever Keith shrugs in response. Or how hard he tries so hard to make Keith laugh, only to end up anxiously laughing it off when Keith doesn’t give a response. It’s this air of - of… of _hopelessness_ that constantly surrounds him. He doesn’t smile the same way or laugh the same way or even gesticulate the same way. Everything is so subdued that it’s _weird_.

Their whole group notices the change, and even worse, they realize that it all revolves around Keith.

So, Hunk tries to keep Lance’s focus on him so that he doesn’t go to Keith.

Pidge shoots Keith death glares, hitting him _very hard_ in the side whenever he’s being particularly distant.

Allura lovingly pokes fun at all of them in attempts to get Lance to laugh, only to fail when he realizes that Keith isn’t laughing.

Coran sometimes pulls Lance to the side and the two of them just talk, somehow always seeming to brighten his mood.

And, god, Shiro. Shiro is constantly reminding him of how much of a dick he’s being. Cornering Keith in their apartment, telling him to talk to Lance, or stop just remove himself from their group outings.

And, Keith feels like shit for what he’s doing, he really does, but what the fuck is he supposed to do?

Is he supposed to go up to Lance and tell him about how much he loves his smile, or when he talks about his home and family, or when he gets going on astrology or Adventure Time or the theory that Avril Lavigne died years ago and simply won’t shut the fuck up because he’s so excited? Is Keith supposed to tell him that he wants to wake up in the morning wrapped up in Lance’s arms and give him gross morning-breath kisses? Is Keith supposed to tell him that he wants nothing more than to go on stupid little dates with him? Dance with him? Eat with him?

Call Lance his and call himself Lance’s?

‘Cause honestly? Fuck that. There are thousands upon millions upon billions of ways that the confession could go wrong, including but not limited to Lance laughing in his face and telling Keith that he means nothing to him. Not even as a friend.

And that’s happened to Keith before. Keith gave this huge confession to his high school crush only for the guy to tell him he’s literally hated Keith since fifth grade. Do you know what that feels like? The embarrassment? The self-hatred that accompanies it? The doubt that every one of your friends even mildly likes you?

It destroys you, and it does so in the worst way possible. It picks away at you slowly, until all that’s left of you is the husk of what you used to be. People like to think that if you just get it done and over with, then that’s that, but there is no band-aid method when it comes to feelings.

Keith is not going through that again. _Never_.

 

* * *

 

He doesn’t get it.

_What did he do wrong?_

Keith used to be his friend. And now? Now he’s pushing Lance so far away from him that he can’t even fucking get him to look his way anymore.

Did he know? Lance usually wasn’t obvious when he was actually trying to flirt, only when he was doing it for fun.

But… then again, how would he know?

Although, Shiro knows, and those two were as close as he had ever seen brothers be. But Shiro wouldn’t rat on him… right?

No, no, no. Keith doesn’t know. It has to be something else. It has to be something that he just doesn’t know about.

Please be something he doesn’t know about.

 

 

 

Please.

* * *

 

Keith wasn’t showing up anymore.

He just… cut himself off. No ifs ands or buts about it.

Shiro keeps saying it’s because he doesn’t feel good, but no one has a cold debilitating enough to warrant staying home for almost two weeks.

Does he really hate Lance that mu… No.

Keith is sick. He isn’t feeling good. He’ll come back soon. Trust Shiro.

* * *

 

It’s been over a month and there are literally no signs that Keith is even alive at this point. He’s not responding to _anyone_ , as far as Lance knows, and no one besides Shiro has even seen him.

So that’s why Lance is currently outside Keith and Shiro’s apartment, debating whether to knock on the door or run and pretend he was never there.

Turns out he doesn’t need to decide.

Shiro opens the door, whispers a quick, “Hey,” to Lance, comes out into the hallway, and closes the door behind him.

“How the hell did you know I was out here?” asks Lance once the door is closed. He puts his hands in his pockets.

“I heard your footsteps come to the door, looked through the eyehole, and saw it was you” says Shiro very matter-of-factly.

Lance opened his mouth to talk, but Shiro held up his hand.

“Wait. I just…” Shiro sighed. “It’s none of my business what’s going on in between you two, and I know that, but honestly, whatever it is, I’m sick of it. Keith’s in his room. He’s not gonna want to talk to you, so just knock and go in. Don’t answer him if he says anything. Got it?”

Lance nods. “Are you…” Lance hesitates. “Are you sure that’s okay?”

Shiro turns around and opens the door to the apartment, starting to walk in.

“Probably not, but this needs to end. You guys need to talk,” he answers, voice hushed.

Lance follows him into the apartment.

“Yeah,” says Lance, solemnly.

Shiro stops and turns around. “You okay?”

“Yeah, I just want to get this over with.” Lance felt his shoulders slump, but he really didn’t have the energy to bring them back up.

Shiro gives him a sympathetic look. “Same here.” Shiro points to Keith’s door. “His room’s right there. Good luck.”

“Thanks,” mumbles Lance.

He walked over to the door, attempting, and failing, to smile before he knocked.

* * *

 

Keith is laying in his bed, wrapped up in his comforter, warm and cozy.

He got a B on his astrology essay, had a huge mug of hot chocolate earlier, and now in the comfiest position he has probably _ever_ been in.

This is probably the nicest he’s felt in a _long_ time.

There was a knock at his door.

“Yeah?” calls Keith.

The knob turns. Why is Shiro coming in without saying anything? He never does that.

The door opens and…

Of course. Can’t Keith have just one nice day? One?

“Hey,” says Lance, softly. He comes into the room, shutting the door with a small thud.  

“Hey,” says Keith, coming up onto his elbows. His voice was curt. Whatever was going to happen better be over as soon as possible.

“Can we talk?” asks Lance, moving to sit on Keith’s bed. Keith pulled his feet away from Lance, crossing them as he sits up.

“Why?” Keith crosses his arm over his chest and rubs at the bicep of his other.

Lance is wringing his hands together, eyes intently watching them and purposefully staying away from Keith’s.

“I just,” starts Lance. “Things have been, like, weird between us, and… I don’t want them to be. I - I miss you. We used to talk like all the time and now it feels like you want nothing to do with me.” He pauses for a moment. “Which is - which is fine, I guess, but, like, I at least want you to tell me that, and not just suddenly stop talking with me, or even the whole group-”

“Lance.”

“-‘cause like, I know it’s my fault, but I don’t know what I did, and I just want to, like, make things right between us, y’know because you’ve always been-”

“ _Lance._ ”

Lance head whips up, eyes wide and staring at Keith. He visibly shrinks in on himself under Keith’s gaze.

“Sorry,” says Lance, quietly.

“Lance,” sighs Keith. “I… It’s not that… I just.” Keith puts his head in his hands.Tell him, Keith. _Tell him._

 _He’ll just hurt you_.

“I’m just going through something,” says Keith, burying his head further into his hands.

Lance scoots closer to him. “Well, I can help if you want me to.”

“I don’t want you to,” says Keith, a little too forcefully. His nails scratch at his scalp, palms digging into his eyes.

“Okay, okay.” Lance hesitates for a moment. He brings his hand up to Keith’s arm, gently rubbing his forearm. Keith’s heart fucking _melts_. “Just know, that I’m always here for you. If you want space, I’ll give you that, just don’t think you have to go through everything alone, okay?”

Keith nods, palms pressing harder into his eyes. God, he’s two seconds from crying.

 _Fuck_ , he just wants Lance.To hug him and kiss him. To tell him what’s going on. To just be _with_ him. But he can’t because Lance would never want someone as worthless as Keith. Someone who can’t even speak their feelings without feeling like a failure. Someone who can’t just fucking say how they feel.

It’s not fair. It’s not fucking _fair_.

Keith starts to tremble; Lance acts like he doesn’t notice.

They stay like that for a moment, Keith pretending like he wasn’t about to fall apart, while Lance makes such a simple gesture that he probably doesn’t even understand the weight of. Or maybe he does, and he’s just an asshole.

“Keith,” says Lance, breaking him away from his thoughts. His voice is so soft and soothing. “There’s something I need to tell you.”

The hand retreats from his arm, but Keith doesn’t dare move. He doesn’t trust himself not to start crying the moment his hands are away from his eyes.

“I…” Lance sighs, staying quiet for just long enough for Keith to be worried. Keith moves his right hand slightly to the side, peeking around it at Lance.

And Lance? Lance has never looked so - so somber. His hands are clasped together in his lap, motionless, his eyes glued to a point to on his floor. His shoulders are slumped forward, back slightly curving in his body. He looks like he had just had the biggest defeat of his life. Like he just got his final back and got just the right grade to bring his grade down the full letter.

Keith hates that look. It doesn’t suit him. He’s supposed to be happy-go-lucky, not on the verge of giving everything up.

“I like you,” says Lance so quietly Keith almost didn’t hear it. “I like you _a lot_. To the-” he swallows hard, “to the point where it just hurts.” His voice starts to waiver. “And it’s fine if you don’t like me too, I just… needed you to know.”

Keith doesn’t even hear the last part. There was no other noise in the room aside from Lance but it’s almost like every sound in the world decided to go off at once. His heart flutters. His mind can barely even think.

Lance likes him.

 _Lance likes him_.

Keith can date Lance!

_Keith can date Lance!_

No, shit, no, no, no, Keith can’t. No. Keith is worthless. Nothing. Too emotional. Unwanted. Too much. Keith can’t breathe. He can’t have Lance. Lance is too good for him. Keith’s heart races. Lance needs someone better. He deserves someone better. No. No.

_No._

“Keith?” says Lance. With the way he said it, it wasn’t the first time he said it.

Keith looks up at him, eyes wide, mouth slightly open. Panic flashes across Lance’s face.

“What’s wrong?” Lance reaches out for him. Keith scrambles backwards.

Hurt flashes across his face. No, he was upsetting Lance. He can’t. Lance needs to be happy. Away from Keith. Happy.

“Keith? Buddy, listen to me, okay? Can you hear me? Listen to my breathing. Breathe in.” Lance takes an exaggerated breath in. “And out.”

He repeats that until Keith starts to follow him. He can’t keep pace at first, his breath is coming too fast, but he’s quickly able to reign it in.

“Just breathe,” says Lance, soothingly. “Just breathe.”

Lance tentatively reaches a hand out to him, placing it on Keith’s ankle when he doesn’t try to move away. His thumb rubs circles over the joint.

“Can you talk?” asks Lance.

Keith nods. “Yeah.” Wow, his voice is hoarse.

“Do you want to talk?”

“No, but - but I think I need to.”

“Okay. Take your time. We can talk later if you want,” reassures Lance.

“I want to do it now.”

“Alright.”

Keith takes a moment to compose himself. He takes a deep breath and attempts to organize his thoughts, but it’s all for nothing.

Because the moment Keith opens his mouth, the dam just _breaks_ . Keith can’t stop fucking talking. He’s bottled so much up and now it just _flows_ and he has no way to stop it.

So, he tells Lance _everything_. He tells him about how much he likes him, how he wants nothing more than to be in a relationship with him. He tells him how past keeps getting to him. About every shitty relationship he’s ever had, and just how insecure and unconfident it’s made him. That the only things he can remember clearly were the times he was treated like dirt. And the times he was told that he was even worse than dirt.

He tells him how he his heart knows that Lance will be amazing to him, but he just can’t get his _brain_ to wrap around that fact.

And the whole time, Lance, this beautiful, understanding, kind, impeccable man, just listens. He nods; he keeps rubbing at his ankle; he holds Keith when he eventually falls against him; he draws patterns on his back as Keith cries into his shirt; he hums a lullaby as Keith starts to settle, patient as ever.

Once Keith is done, Lance talks, bringing Keith into his lap and holding him in a tight embrace. He calls Keith brave, strong, _beautiful_. He validates all of his feelings, even though he admits that without the experience, he doesn’t fully understand them. He says he wants Keith to take time to decide if he wants to be with Lance, and to take as much as he needs. Then, later on, should Keith say yes, he promises to take everything slow so that Keith feels safe and loved.

But honestly, Keith doesn't need time. He knows his answer.

Yes, he’s terrified. Yes, his brain is telling him to run. Yes, he might regret it, but he might not.

He’s wanted Lance for so long, and, now here he is, offering Keith everything he’s ever wanted, while Keith is _sitting in his lap_ for fuck’s sake.

So, when Lance is done, Keith pulls out of their embrace. He puts one hand on Lance’s cheek, and the other on his chest. He closes the small gap between them, gently pressing his lips against Lance’s.

It’s quick and chaste, but _fuck_ it’s everything to Keith. His heart _soars_. He can hear it pounding in his ears. He knows Lance can probably feel it, but he doesn’t care. He’s happy.

He’s home.

Keith starts to retreat, trying to give Lance room to process, but Lance was having none of that.

He cups the back of Keith’s head, bringing him back in. This kiss is different. It’s languid, experimental. Lance gently shifts Keith’s head, slotting their lips together even better, slowly pressing harder. One kiss turns to two, then three, until eventually they lose count, too lost in each other to care.

Nothing has ever felt as easy or as comfortable as Lance feels. Absolutely nothing. Lance just feels…

Right.

**Author's Note:**

> Comments are love!
> 
> feel free to yell at me on my [twitter](https://twitter.com/thememewrites) or [tumblr](https://shiros-eyes.tumblr.com)


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